First I’d like to extend my condolences to the families of those who lost their lives in that horrific helicopter crash 2 weeks ago that claimed the life of Kobe Bryant his daughter Gianna and seven others. Rest in peace. Kobe was one of my favorite players growing up not just because of his talent, but because he had a will to be the best he could be at all times from basketball to fatherhood. For that reason alone he will always have my respect.

As far back as I can remember I’ve always had these bouts of sadness that came and went, but I never knew what it was about or why it would happen. The first time I remember feeling like this was when my godfather suddenly died when I was about 4-5 years-old. Initially I wasn’t sad at his death because I didn’t yet know what that meant, my sadness came from seeing my mother and aunt crying uncontrollably for hours on end. My father was as stoic as ever and He looked angry so I didn’t even bother to ask him what was going on. I think it hit me that he was gone when he wasn’t showing up to the house anymore to play with me and give me sweets. Asking my parents where my godfather was and why he didn’t come see me anymore just made them shut down, they just didn’t know what to tell me. I just thought he didn’t love me anymore and didn’t want to see me anymore, that stayed with me for the longest time. I always thought people would just disappear from my life, because I was unlovable. That and being teased to no end in school kept me sitting alone a lot thinking something was wrong with me.

In my freshman year of high school, my Grandfather came from Haiti to stay with us for a while and it was awesome. I got to ask him so many things about his past and how my dad was as a kid. It was an experience I remember so vividly even his smell is caught in my memory. Grandad went back home that summer and about a month later he died, just like that he was gone. When the news got to us I thought is was a joke, because he was just with us, so how could this possibly be? I cried hard for another person I would never see again and at the time I hadn’t realized that I was beginning to lose my faith in God. All I could think was how could God allow people I love to die like this, how was this in any way fair? At the time my mom told me to remain faithful and pray that grandads soul finds peace, so I did, what else could I do?

In my adult life I’ve dealt with pressures like anyone else and I tried to stay grounded in faith, family and hard work. More than a few people have passed on during that time, but that is life and in time we as people are supposed to to heal from the wounds of loss. Not the case for me especially when someone I looked up to died in truly tragic fashion. That was the tipping point for me, everything I Believed felt like a lie and my perception shifted to this overly pessimistic view on life. My faith was depleted at that point and I was sinking my relationships by stretching myself thin. I was ultimately failing in trying to live up to this new standard of being there for everyone, because I felt like I wasn’t there for my friend when he needed me. For a little over 2 years I was in a downward spiral that lead me to feel like the world would be better place without me burdening it with my presence. My wife had told me she didn’t know who I was anymore and I was unfazed, I just didn’t care about life anymore. I was in 2 car accidents within that time and I was unbothered if I had died or not.

Ultimately I had to open up about this pain and anger that was destroying me from the inside out. I started by opening my heart back up to God and those closest to me, so I could heal properly. Too often we think we’re the only ones going through it and the person you least expect has gone through it or is going through it. There are some wounds that need stitches and not a band-aid. My Faith in Jesus has been the stitching that I’ve needed to heal and move forward. With renewed faith I’m able to fulfill the purpose that God has for me, I’m chasing God’s Way/ve.

Thank you for taking some time to read my blog today. I appreciate you and your time so very much. God bless and don’t forget to keep “Chasing God’s Way/ve.”